Creating The Relationship You Want With Your Mother

Would you like to be closer with your mother, but irritations get in the way? Mothers tend to be praised and blamed in equal measure, but no matter what happened in the past, you can still take steps right now to create a better relationship with your mother:

• Warm her heart by taking time to appreciate your mother. She has always done her best with the resources she had available to her.

• Know that she loves you deeply no matter what. Annoying behaviours such as the critic, controller or guilt inducer stem from triggers from her own childhood hurts and were probably strategies she used to survive

• You can start a positive change with your mother. The past does not have to equal the present. Relationships are like a dance – if you change your steps then the other person has to change too.

• Find out more about her and about you by asking what she remembers. Mothers (and fathers) know things about you as a child that you don’t.

• Find out about your mother's life by offering to tape her life story. This will help you understand her more and create a warm bond between you

• If you need to challenge your mother or draw a boundary, get clear what you want, then use an “I statement” instead of sentences that start with “you always or you never”. An example of an “I statement” is “When you----I feel ---- because“.

• Another tip is to use a sandwich method – start with a positive, address the thorny issue, then finish with a positive.

• If something is annoying you, avoid the old dance and do something different, eg a response to criticism might be “that’s an interesting view” and walk away

• Don’t let death stop you dealing with unfinished emotional business. It is never too late to improve your relationship with your mother. Write out your feelings in a letter to your mother or talk with a friend or counsellor to process your feelings and have closure in your relationship with her.

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